Recycled: I'm Gonna Get Married

I have recently been a little consumed with pondering the idea of partnership. This of course includes weddings and marriage and commitment and the rest of the list of things I have avoided and adamantly denied wanting for years. These thoughts not only consume my waking hours but also my sleeping as I have had a recent rash of wedding related dreams. I awoke from a dream in which I'd been trying on wedding dresses unsure if I should be terrified or pleased. I chose neither and have instead been obsessing over it for weeks.

Now please do not be confused, I am not obsessing about finding a boyfriend or a husband or am in any way, shape or form on the prowl. I am simply allowing myself to explore the idea of what it might be like to be partnered. I suspect this new line of musing is due in part to the fact that more and more of my friends are getting married off each year, but even more so because I am coming up on ten years of self-indulgent wondering.

Part of thinking about partnering is also considering what it might be like to make a decision based on someone other than myself. The idea seems almost unnatural and that scares me a little. If I continue on this path of me first decision making will I eventually be simply too selfish to be partnered? Sadly, I suspect yes.

Surprisingly, while perusing some older blog posts I came across one I had written two years ago on what would have been my parent's 36th wedding anniversary. I was shocked by my lack of cynicism and my overall tone of optimism. As I read the post I was surprised at how little had changed. Today the words seem pretty poignant, so I'm going to recycle them here:

My entire adult life I've struggled with the fight for my need for independence/fear of commitment/free spirit versus my desire to have a traditional life with a husband and kids. I'll be honest, the older I get the quieter my biological clock seems to get, but the stronger my desire for partnership seems to grow. I'd be lying if I didn't say that there are days when the loneliness is palpable. I love my girlfriends, they are my strength and support, but with so many of them being attached it forces me to reflect on my own singledom.

Aside from what might be the obvious reasons (being the third wheel gets old, even with the best of couples), here are some of the reasons that I have determined I will one day get married:

Simon and Garfunkel's America I've been in love with this song since I was 17. The opening line is so poignant for me, "let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together". I want to be Kathy. I want to travel around America on a Greyhound and play games with the faces. I want to look for America with someone who understands the importance and meaning of this song to me.

Coffee and Newspaper I make a pretty killer cup of coffee. I enjoy drinking said coffee while reading the newspaper. It would be nice to have someone (besides my awesome Grams) to make coffee for and discuss the daily news with.

Traveling I have been to some of the most romantic cities in the world (Paris, Prague, Florence), alone (well, with my family or friends, but still...). I've flown half way around the world, alone. I've seen and done so many amazing things, but haven't had anyone to share it all with me. I want someone to hold my hand as the plane takes off. I want someone's shoulder to sleep on during those long flights. I want someone to walk through the streets of Paris with and have other people be totally disgusted by how in love we are. And maybe for those same people to think we're French.

My baby need a daddy Hendrix loves boys; she loves male attention. I'm not sure where she gets it because it certainly isn't from me. I know it sounds silly but I want a slew of pups and it would be real nice to have someone to walk them with me and help name them.

Cooking for Two I really enjoy cooking, but it gets depressing cooking for one. Not just because then you have to do all the clean up, but also because you're eating leftovers for days. I want someone to enjoy my cooking and wash my damn dishes.

Dream Wedding As cynical as I am, I'm still like every other girl and have been dreaming about my wedding since I was a little girl. I think I've just about got it right in my head...except for the groom part. Minor detail.

Make a House a Home The one thing I want almost as much as someone to share my life with is a house. Maybe even a little more, but Jill tells me I have to have a husband to get a house. Le sigh. But seriously, I really really really really and really want a house. A nice old house that needs a little bit of work. Someplace that is older than me with a big front porch and a back porch. Shoot, this is my fantasy, it's gonna have a wrap around porch. It'll have loads of character and we'll fill it with vintage furniture that is as eclectic as we are. We'll collect odds and ends on our travels and have a story for every rad accessory we have. Oh man, I'd get married tomorrow if he came with a house.

Happiness is... being married to your best friend. And that's exactly what I want, so that someday I can hang my Gram's magnet on my fridge.

I'll agree, this all sounds a little Hollywood, a little clique, a little unrealistic. However, I think I deserve it, and at the end of the day all I really want is someone to hold my hand. The way my grandpa used to hold my grandma's in church when he thought no one else was looking. Because when all is said and done, it comes down to the simple things...someone to sit with in church and hold your hand after 50+ years of marriage. Better get crackin'.