I'm Just Not That Into You

In honor of tomorrow being the most deplorable holiday known to man I decided to give a little blog time to a recent trend in my life. At the risk of sounding mildly conceited, I have to say that the only guys that seem to be into me these days are guys that I am not into. I'm not trying to say that I'm sitting here fighting guys off with a stick, but just that the only guys that have really expressed interest in me have been guys that I have little to no interest in. Now in their defense, I am ridiculously picky but am also very friendly. Apparently this confuses them, so I'm going to make it a little easier; I've prepared a list.

I'm just not that into you if...

I don't laugh at your jokes. A good sense of humor is paramount for me. If you can't make me laugh you're just wasting your time. But don't get confused, just because I laugh at your jokes doesn't automatically mean I'm into you either.

I don't give you my number, but insist if you give me yours I will call you. I'm not calling you. Please! If I don't give out my number what would make you think I'd call yours? I will however keep it in my phone so later on I can go through my numbers and play the "who the heck is this guy" game.

I'm constantly looking at my friends while talking to you. This means I'm trying to telepathically tell them to "Help me!!!!!!".

you think money is a substitute for kindness. There is absolutely no substitute for kindness. None. I don't need your money. I'm not interested in your money or where you can take me or what you can buy. I'm interested in you being kind and genuine.

I have ever refered to you as a douche bag. You're never coming back from that, sorry, buddy. I've seen enough DBs in my day to know that once a DB, always a DB. That's just the way the world works. But hey, we can be friends.

you tell me you want to *ahem* me and I laugh. Or say "That's sweet, but..." First of all, I'm not that kind of girl. Second of all, WTF?! You think if you tell me that I'll just go "Oh yeah, ok, let's go". I won't...ever.

you ask if you can kiss me. If you have to ask the answer is always no. Always. This is primarily an English thing, but I don't want this trend picking up with any American guys. You aren't being polite, you're being a wet rag. No girl wants a wet rag.

you call me girl, babe, sweetie, honey or any other term of endearment. Let's get this really cleared up...I am not your sweetie; especially if you just met me.

you've decided after spending a few hours with me that you've got me all figured out. You don't. It is not a secret or a surprise to anyone that I don't really know that I want. I do however know what I don't want and that's enough for me.

you're putting yourself down. Self-confidence is very attractive. Self-deprecation is not. Be careful though, there is a fine line between self-confidence and cockiness.

you touch me and a flinch or pull away. I'm actually an extremely touchy-feely person, but I have a weird thing about being touched by guys I'm not into. If I'm not interested don't get in my personal space. I know it's extremely, but I can't fake it.

I give you a high 5 or fist bump when I see you. If I like you I'm going to want to hug you. High 5s are for friends.

you took more time getting ready to come out than I did. I care alot about the way I dress, but I don't necessarily spend loads of time getting ready. How I dress is an extension of my personality, not a sign that I'm high maintenance. You with all the gel and the Ed Hardy, you're high maintenance and that is not attractive in any way.

my girlfriends don't like you. They can be wrong, but I'm really not willing to sacrifice time with them for a guy, so you're kinda screwed.

I could probably keep going, but I'll stop at 14 (in honor of Valentine's Day). Please, don't confuse this list for me being a raging bitch that is totally full of herself. I know that there have been plenty of guys that haven't been into me, so really I'm just evening the score. Remember, I'm not only picky but I'm also a little angry and very closed off. But perhaps making this list will have a theraputic effect for me...or perhaps not.

The Love of My Life

I'll admit it, I'm a sucker for my dog. She's 100% spoiled and I do genuinely treat her like she is my child. I can't help it she's amazing. Knowing this has lead me to think that if I could find a man as awesome as Hendrix I might not be quite so angry. Well, I'd probably still be a little angry, but I might be willing to actually go on a date or at least give the guy my number. You laugh, but let me tell you about how rockin my dog is.

She has a ridiculous amount of personality. I'm sure others have said this about their dogs, but they are lying. Hendrix has them all beat! She's just really freaking funny. And she dances! Naturally it's a booty dance that involves walking around in a circle. All I have to do is shake my butt at her and she goes crazy. Don't worry, I have plans to video tape it and make it a You Tube hit. And don't even get my started on the wrinkle face (the vet says she's smiling)...you just have to see it to believe it.

She's loyal. Ignorant people are constantly taking smack about pit bulls but what they don't realize is that they are one of the most loyal breeds around. I adopted her from the pound where I was told she was a stray. Naturally, I was worried that she would be a runner, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. She does sometimes get curious and walk a little further out of the yard than I'd like, but she's never once tried to run away. One morning on our walk she was being a bit of a pill and got out of her collar. I freaked! But the brilliant dog that she is, she ran back to the yard and waited for me. She's knows who loves her, so why would she want to run away?

She's kind. Ok, this might be a bit of an exaggeration, but stay with me here. She has no problems with sharing her food, water or toys with other dogs. If you're having a rough day she gives you a hug. Well, maybe more you give her a hug, but she hugs back. I swear.

She's an amazing cuddler. I swore before I got a dog that I was not going to let it sleep with me. Beds are for people, blah, blah, blah. Then when I found out that my pit bull mix puppy was not actually a puppy (she was at least a year old when I adpoted her) and was full grown that all went out the window. The only way to accurate way to describe her is snuggle bug. I'm a side sleeper so most nights she girls herself in next to me, but when she's extremely tired there are time when she will sleep on top of me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but she's so warm that it's like a blanket (if you know me well you know I sleep with a lot of covers, even in the summer). And when I wake up in the morning she's all sleepy and warm, it's adorable. Ok, I'll stop before anyone decides it's time to commit me.

She's great with kids. I think all new dog owners, especially of pound dogs, are a little nervous the first time their dog comes into contact with a kid. You just never know how they are going to react, but Hendrix loves them. If someone is walking with a stroller she has to peer in as we're walking past. When we go for walks in the morning and see the kids on their way to school she gets so excited she pees (Sadly, once on a kid's book bag, oops).

She's so stinkin cute it hurts. She is undeniably a really cute dog. There really is no need to say more.

She likes to do the same things as me. Granted she doesn't really get a say in the matter, but she likes to hike and be outside. She also enjoys a good nap and having a lie in. Plus, she likes the same TV shows as me (she spends her days watching TLC and BBC America). What more could a girl ask for?

Does this sound like anyone you know? Probably not, so don't try to set me up with anyone unless he meets all of the above criteria.