New Year's Revolution

I hate New Year's Eve. I have for as long as I can remember. This decade has been littered with some pretty abysmal New Year's Eves, with one exception, ringing in 2008 was outstanding. I often wonder why that year out of all the years was so amazing. Sure, I was surrounded by great friends, listening to great music but most New Year's are made up of similar components. In fact, I can't recall any where I have not been with friends. Some have been worse than others, 2006 comes to mind, but most have been consistently disappointing.

I often think about why this is and have come up with only one conclusion: expectations. New Year's Eve, like your birthday, is supposed to be a good time. You are excepted to have fun. You are required to have a good time. You will take ridiculous picture that you will later post on Facebook as proof of said good time. You will kiss your significant other/friend/random stranger on midnight and later stumble to bed thinking "this year is going to be so amazing because I just had the greatest night of my life". This is never really how it goes. With such expectations you will almost certainly always be let down.

So what was 2008's secret? No expectations. Honestly, I had none. There was no boy I was secretly hoping to kiss at midnight, there was no preconceived notion of how the night would go. It was just me, good friends, Roger Clyne and lots of dancing. I had a smile on my face and a full heart. I was hopeful.

This year's solution then? No expectations. Come what may. I will not anticipate a good time because that is what the laws of social norm dictate. I will revolutionize my own thinking.

Maybe Harry Was Right

When I was in high school and college my favorite movie was When Harry Met Sally. In fact, it's still top three for me. Admittedly, it's no Annie Hall, but there's something about the combination of Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. His quirkiness and her ridiculousness were cinematic genius as far as I was concerned. The final scene is so over the top romantic comedy clique, but even at my most cynical it still got me. Every time.

But there was always one thing about the movie that drove me crazy. Harry is so insistent that men and women can't truly be friends. As a guy's girl I found this to be a complete fallacy. I had plenty of guy friends. I always had. I was that girl; just one of the guys. This stayed true through college, but I slowly began to see a shift as I got older. Somewhere between high school and college I had become more attractive to guys and the friendships didn't seem quite as strong. Sure we were friends but that didn't mean things couldn't change after a few beers. After my college relationship ended I maintained very few of those friendships. Out of college and in the "real world" it became more difficult to make guy friends. There was no click anymore and was no inheriting guy friends from a boyfriend. I had to do it on my own and it wasn't easy.

In total I think I've made maybe 6 guy friends since college (I'm excluding boyfriends of friends), 2 of whom are gay and 2 of whom I rarely speak to anymore. It is simply more complicated as you get older because something always seems to get in the way, either a girlfriend or emotions or unclear intentions. I find myself taking an extended pause when thinking about guy friends. It may not be that I am attracted or interested in them now, but I find myself thinking, "should I be?". Meeting a quality guy is no easy task, and so it often seems easier to simply change affections towards a friend.

But then there's the age old cliche, it will ruin the friendship. Really? Will it? If you're both honest aren't you just waiting until that night when you have one too many beers and....oops? Chances are at least one of you is. I hate to admit it, but all those arguments I had with my college roommate on this subject matter were in vein. I was wrong. I am not longer convinced that guys and girls genuinely can be friends...unless they've known each other for years, but maybe not even then. Dang it, I hate being wrong.

Closure is a Fictional Concept

When I was younger and not nearly as wise as I am today I was convinced that anything could be solved by talking. I wanted to talk issues/dramatic situations to death. I needed to get all my emotions out there. I had an open heart and I let everyone know it. I gave my heart away for free. But hearts get broken and callused. I am not a cynical person (anymore), but at 26 I am at the opposite end of the spectrum than I was at when I was 21.

I no longer feel the need to talk much about anything. I am more convinced now that most discussions aren't really worth having. I have to care quite deeply about the other person to enter into any kind of meaningful discussion on the state of said relationship these days. I have learned that so many words are better left unsaid. I am a very talkative, outgoing person, but I keep myself pretty quiet when it comes to matters of the heart. To take a line from Billy Joel, "my silence is my self-defense".

But self-preservation mode has not always served me well. My silence has also caused me to leave many issues unresolved and probably too many words unsaid. There are many circumstances where I walked away without any words, without any closure.

However, I have learned recently that perhaps closure doesn't exist. Words that went unsaid years ago just hang between two people like an electric current waiting for a touch to send out a shock. They do not offer any kind of closure whatsoever. They serve only to open wounds and create chaos in what had become a settled life.

Yet, there must be some middle ground between walking away wordless and this mythical creature they call closure. My guess is that it can only be found by finding the precarious balance between silence and over-analysis. As much as I have learned and grown over the past 5 years, I clearly have so much left to learn. I clearly have to find a way to start using my words again.

Whenever I Miss Phoenix

I go here http://francesblog.tumblr.com/.

If you live in Phoenix you should definitely check out Frances. It's by far one of the best things the city has to offer.

Elliptical Economic Brainstorm

I know it's early but I have been contemplating 2010's New Year's resolution quite intensely as of late. I'm not really a New Year's resolution maker, but I figured I'd give it a go next year since I have yet to find a better way to get my finances in order. It seems that recently I have been doing my best brainstorming on how to do so on the elliptical machine at my gym. It's strange because most of the time I do my best thinking on the toilet. I kid, I kid. Seriously, lighten up.

Sorry, I digress. To the point.

I have come up with several ideas and one important plan for staying inspired.

There are a two things that might seem frivolous to others that at this point I'm not willing to give up: my gym membership and cable. Justification? Well, there's no way I'd stay motivated to stay in shape without a gym and it also gives me a chance to get out of the apartment without spending a great deal of money. Going to the gym a minimum of 5 times a week costs me a grand total of $1.50 each time I go. I think that's reasonable. And as far as cable goes, frankly, I just like to be able to watch TV.

So, how exactly will I be saving money? Thus far here's what I've come up with:

1. Straight up stop using my credit cards. They're what is ruining my life. This is the first step, but will definitely be the most difficult to master. Hopefully the following will help.
2. Less trips to the grocery store and Target. I need to learn that I don't have to buy more of something until I am out of it, including food. I'll have a fridge half full and yet buy more because I don't feel like eating what I have already. I'm wasting money left and right by letting food go bad or just buying things I don't need. And I think we all know my weakness for Target. I'm absolutely going to have to go back to list only shopping.
3. Cut out the extras. I've already given up Starbucks but there are plenty of other frills that could go. Aside from shopping for clothes I don't need, I could also cut back on gifts (not stop giving them but stop giving expensive ones), make up (Sephora can no longer be my friend), things for my apartment (I really have everything I need), gas (I'm not sure about this one, but perhaps I could be riding my bike more - except maybe not until after winter) and there will undoubtedly be more to come.
4. For those of you who have enjoyed my previous blogs about fashion, keep your eye's peeled for the "No Re-wear Challenge". It's gonna be good.


Ok, it's a short list so far, but I know it will get longer.

How do I plan on sticking to it? It's simple, apply the same determination and discipline I put towards working out and being healthy to saving money. I am extremely proud of how well I've been able to stay in shape and stick to a routine, so in theory I should also be able to have a sense of pride about saving money. Well, here's hoping!