While considering a move back the eastward way it has come to my attention that I have perhaps front loaded my life. What if I peaked in my mid/late 20s and now it is only downhill from here? Certainly this has not been my intention, but I also do not intend to spend the rest of my life vagabonding about from city to city in search of adventure. I do not want the sum of my life to be the cities I have lived in and the amount of times I have moved. Yet, I fear that to settle (down) will be to resign myself to a life of boredom. I will spend the rest of my days suffering from a chronic case of itchy feet.
Last night I tell this to my mum whose response is "maybe you will find new adventure with a husband and kids". I immediately think, but do not verbalize, "maybe I will find a cure for cancer, too". At this point in my life that is about how realistic a husband and kids seems. I am still not convinced that path is in the cards for me.
I spend the rest of the evening contemplating that perhaps the larger issue here is that I am still stuck at square one. Shit.
Having done the "vagabond" thing for 20+ years, I can say from experience that it does not guarantee adventure. It does involve a lot of tedious redoing of the same things with each move - finding housing, friends, shopping, restuarants, etc. - all of which can be very draining. Perhaps the biggest disadvantage is the distance(both time and space) that develops between you and the people in your life that you care the most about. I know now how much I missed of your growing up years. All your sports events, your birthday parties, your recitals, and the week to week experiences that families have when they live close enought to see each other frequently. I have also lost touch with so many friends that helped make me who I am and I regret that enormously. And that does even begin to address the whole issue of "husband and kids". If I had it to do over, I would not have been such a "chicken". I would "investigated" the possiblities with the guys who caught my eye or who expressed an interest in me. It always seemed like there was ample time for that some time in the future and then suddenly the time had run out. I have been blessed to have you and my other nieces and nephews to love and the hundreds of children that I taught and cared about but perhaps there might have been more.
ReplyDeleteYou are way past square one. Take it from me. I recognize a fully developed/wonderful adult human being when I see one. Right now you are in the middle of the forest and can't see it for all trees around you. Enjoy what you're doing now, plan for a career in a location that interests you, and then let it rip. You've got what it takes to do it all !!! That is a true and unbaised opinion from an experienced observer. Kar