When I was younger and not nearly as wise as I am today I was convinced that anything could be solved by talking. I wanted to talk issues/dramatic situations to death. I needed to get all my emotions out there. I had an open heart and I let everyone know it. I gave my heart away for free. But hearts get broken and callused. I am not a cynical person (anymore), but at 26 I am at the opposite end of the spectrum than I was at when I was 21.
I no longer feel the need to talk much about anything. I am more convinced now that most discussions aren't really worth having. I have to care quite deeply about the other person to enter into any kind of meaningful discussion on the state of said relationship these days. I have learned that so many words are better left unsaid. I am a very talkative, outgoing person, but I keep myself pretty quiet when it comes to matters of the heart. To take a line from Billy Joel, "my silence is my self-defense".
But self-preservation mode has not always served me well. My silence has also caused me to leave many issues unresolved and probably too many words unsaid. There are many circumstances where I walked away without any words, without any closure.
However, I have learned recently that perhaps closure doesn't exist. Words that went unsaid years ago just hang between two people like an electric current waiting for a touch to send out a shock. They do not offer any kind of closure whatsoever. They serve only to open wounds and create chaos in what had become a settled life.
Yet, there must be some middle ground between walking away wordless and this mythical creature they call closure. My guess is that it can only be found by finding the precarious balance between silence and over-analysis. As much as I have learned and grown over the past 5 years, I clearly have so much left to learn. I clearly have to find a way to start using my words again.
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