I'm Just Not That Into You

In honor of tomorrow being the most deplorable holiday known to man I decided to give a little blog time to a recent trend in my life. At the risk of sounding mildly conceited, I have to say that the only guys that seem to be into me these days are guys that I am not into. I'm not trying to say that I'm sitting here fighting guys off with a stick, but just that the only guys that have really expressed interest in me have been guys that I have little to no interest in. Now in their defense, I am ridiculously picky but am also very friendly. Apparently this confuses them, so I'm going to make it a little easier; I've prepared a list.

I'm just not that into you if...

I don't laugh at your jokes. A good sense of humor is paramount for me. If you can't make me laugh you're just wasting your time. But don't get confused, just because I laugh at your jokes doesn't automatically mean I'm into you either.

I don't give you my number, but insist if you give me yours I will call you. I'm not calling you. Please! If I don't give out my number what would make you think I'd call yours? I will however keep it in my phone so later on I can go through my numbers and play the "who the heck is this guy" game.

I'm constantly looking at my friends while talking to you. This means I'm trying to telepathically tell them to "Help me!!!!!!".

you think money is a substitute for kindness. There is absolutely no substitute for kindness. None. I don't need your money. I'm not interested in your money or where you can take me or what you can buy. I'm interested in you being kind and genuine.

I have ever refered to you as a douche bag. You're never coming back from that, sorry, buddy. I've seen enough DBs in my day to know that once a DB, always a DB. That's just the way the world works. But hey, we can be friends.

you tell me you want to *ahem* me and I laugh. Or say "That's sweet, but..." First of all, I'm not that kind of girl. Second of all, WTF?! You think if you tell me that I'll just go "Oh yeah, ok, let's go". I won't...ever.

you ask if you can kiss me. If you have to ask the answer is always no. Always. This is primarily an English thing, but I don't want this trend picking up with any American guys. You aren't being polite, you're being a wet rag. No girl wants a wet rag.

you call me girl, babe, sweetie, honey or any other term of endearment. Let's get this really cleared up...I am not your sweetie; especially if you just met me.

you've decided after spending a few hours with me that you've got me all figured out. You don't. It is not a secret or a surprise to anyone that I don't really know that I want. I do however know what I don't want and that's enough for me.

you're putting yourself down. Self-confidence is very attractive. Self-deprecation is not. Be careful though, there is a fine line between self-confidence and cockiness.

you touch me and a flinch or pull away. I'm actually an extremely touchy-feely person, but I have a weird thing about being touched by guys I'm not into. If I'm not interested don't get in my personal space. I know it's extremely, but I can't fake it.

I give you a high 5 or fist bump when I see you. If I like you I'm going to want to hug you. High 5s are for friends.

you took more time getting ready to come out than I did. I care alot about the way I dress, but I don't necessarily spend loads of time getting ready. How I dress is an extension of my personality, not a sign that I'm high maintenance. You with all the gel and the Ed Hardy, you're high maintenance and that is not attractive in any way.

my girlfriends don't like you. They can be wrong, but I'm really not willing to sacrifice time with them for a guy, so you're kinda screwed.

I could probably keep going, but I'll stop at 14 (in honor of Valentine's Day). Please, don't confuse this list for me being a raging bitch that is totally full of herself. I know that there have been plenty of guys that haven't been into me, so really I'm just evening the score. Remember, I'm not only picky but I'm also a little angry and very closed off. But perhaps making this list will have a theraputic effect for me...or perhaps not.